I wrote this a few days after my son passed nearly 2 years ago, it still brings tears to my eyes…
It’s his birthday today, he would have been 35.
Sometimes in the night
when I hear my phone,
I think it’s you,
that this is all just a dream,
and I’ll see your message
“I’m safe home, Mom”.
But reality blasts me back
from that hope of holding you again
to look into your blue eyes
and hear your laugh.
Then we can start again,
and talk about this journey of life together.
We’ll put up our sail
to live the breeze of awakening,
but I know now,
you’re not that far away,
just a breath
beneath my dreams!
I can see your face
shining like the noonday sun,
beyond this veil of pain
that inhabits my body.
And I can see the moon
spying through the curtain of my window
and your bright light glows within my heart,
when I ask for peaceful sleep,
but words keep me awake
and my eyes are dry!
I think of all the things they said
in halls of admiration.
I hope that you can hear those words
and your wounds are healed!
I will cling so tight to those who know this pain
and let my pride be stripped away,
that those who can’t feel love
will know the power of the Divine
I’m going with this flow
and letting the heartache keep me alive,
even though I want to die,
and for you,
just for you,
I’ll be a better person.
I’ll share the tragedy of this loss,
I’ll wear it on my wounded flesh
and seek out Angels to consol me.
The night grows dark,
and I can’t see your face,
though the moon still peeps
at my sorry form,
and lights the night as best it can,
to let me know that
I am being watched over,
even in the small hours,
when no soul stirs!
Upon this bed, I lie
with broken heart in hand,
ready now to give it back to You my Lord,
to keep for all my days,
I must love as fiercely as I can,
for you my son,
to hold your memory forever in my soul,
to honor you,
and all that you have been.
To release you to the Angels,
so I can rest on dreams of you.
Now you are gone from my sight,
but never forgotten,
tattooed for always on my broken heart!
When He came that night to take you,
He told you about paradise,
and green fields where lilies grow,
and waters so sweet,
and you flew to Him,
you did not hesitate,
because the love and light was so strong
What could you say
how could you turn away from such belonging,
such magnificent grace,
and in one moment your soul was free!
I will wait for you to come and tell me in my dreams
I will be forever grateful that you were lent to me for this time,
and even though it seemed too short,
how could I not let you go,
to be with Him,
to run in fields chasing butterflies,
and to wear a chain of daisies in your hair
and sing the song from your soul
in sweet euphonies
to be heard by the Angels!
This banquet set before you,
to drink of love
and eat at the table of your dreams!
I will let you go
to soar above the azure sky,
and you will look down on me this night,
and watch me sleep,
a slumber of peacefulness,
with no fear or dread grasping my heart,
in dead of night!
And I will forgive those
who wish to harm this peace,
that flay about in unconsciousness!
For this flow has taken me on paths of surrender,
and even in this excruciating pain
The army of Angels is at my door,
evaporating any evil force that wants to have its way.
Those who wish to harm this peace
will flee without a word from me,
because higher powers are at play this night.
that hold me in love’s embrace!
I wanted you to know this enlightenment,
upon this earth,
to taste the salty sea,
and hear the chorus of birds every morning,
and see the brilliance of the forest at twilight,
and grow to love the air you breathe!
This was not to be,
but how do I know?
Maybe you have seen more than I ever hoped you’d see,
and actually, you have broken into the light
that fills the darkened void!
How do I know the places you have been
in these few days,
since I said goodbye!
And as I watch the moon cross my window,
I ask for sleep,
in fact, I beg,
so that the memories of you
can go to sleep
with me in peace!
How can it be that I know such peace
at this time of loss?
Words can’t explain this peace that passes understanding!
And I can hear your voice right now
as clear as day saying
“You don’t have to worry about me anymore, Mom
I’m safe home now!”