A Soliloquy

do over
“I celebrated your joy, I promise, I did.
While into darkness, my afflictions slid.
Through pain and tears I heard applause.
I gleaned the cheers, I read the scores.
I glimpsed delight with visceral sight.
In my mind’s eye it still alights.
I’m sorry, so sorry for my shame.
I really am, let me try again?
If only I’d supped that warm embrace,
just for a moment, a sublime place!
In misery I’ve been submerged.
Stolen joy where despair converged.
Shame is more deadly than death.
Its venom steals my very breath.
I’m going beyond the outer edges
to acquire my own forgiving lenses.
When I emerge I pray I’ll  be free.
Somewhere, somehow, it’s my decree!”


To my beloved

to my belovedI waited for you.
I sang the hymn that said
“Good, good Father”,
it was excruciating!
Father’s are supposed to shelter
their children from harm.
But I was alone and broken.
He did not protect me
or you from harm!
I watched the joyful flower girls,
I saw the beautiful bride
come down the aisle.
I ran away before the wedding vows,
my silent tears fell
on the unforgiving earth.
I ran to look for you
but you never came.
Your bipolar mood swing had stolen
your joy again.
You couldn’t face this fearsome mob,
this crowd of so called lovers.
Those who keep their love in exclusive jars
only to be given to the upright,
not for the unlovely like us!
After all we don’t deserve happiness,
(perhaps I am wrong,
but that’s what I thought I heard them say).
It’s only for good church people.
It was then that I shut down.
Love was everywhere
but not in my presence,
it could not touch my broken heart.
It was like watching a movie
and seeing what life is supposed to be like,
but from a distance
from behind bullet proof glass!
A joy I can never be part of.
Then the loud music drowned out the voices,
drowned out all feeling.

I have been exiled
to a place where demons taunt me
day and night.
A place where happiness
does not exist.
I’ve lived like a beggar,
a vagabond,
a homeless wretch on streets of devastation.
Only the trees can quiet my aching heart now.
When I see God in the meridian splendour
I’m calmed.
When I know God’s glory in the least among us
I’m humbled.
When joy is present in the midst of great suffering
I’m astonished.
Those who have come to the end of themselves
and still have hope
are my mentors.
I need love to sustain me,
the kind that sees beyond this
outer crust of loathing.
A love that dresses me in the finest garments
holds me when I’m dirty
and is a balm to my wounds.
I need a love that doesn’t need
me to be anything
but a being of light.
I promise to dance again with the Angels
and slip into forgetfulness.
Please just tell me that everything is going
to be alright!


“Falling didn’t bother me. I could fall forever and not be hurt. It’s stopping that’s the problem.”
Ann Leckie, Ancillary Justice

Oh no, I did it!
I went spinning.
I tripped on an empty space!
Perhaps that void
I talk about too much!
I fell to the ground.
My life flashed before me!
I thought of all the things I had yet to do;
“Conquer poverty,
clean up pollution,
stand for world peace”
No really!!!
I’m not that noble!
It was more like;
“The shower still needs silicone
you fool
and you haven’t cleaned the
wardrobes out yet!”

Like a slow motion movie
my body was falling
but my thoughts were like lightening
flashing through my brain.
I wondered
as the nanoseconds ticked by
and the hard ground
was getting closer
how it could be
that I was letting gravity
take me down.
What had I tripped on?
I didn’t really care
about Sir Isaac Newton’s
law of gravity.
In that moment
I wished he had been wrong
or that I lived on the moon!

In the distance
while I was still falling
I saw
a kind face moving towards me
also in slow motion.
Not running to catch me
like I would have hoped he would.
I could read his thoughts
from a distance;
“Oh if I were Sir Galahad
I would run to save her
maybe even gallop on my trusty steed,
and catch her before
she hits the ground
with such terrible force.”
Kind words I hardly remember
comforted me
as I got up
and dusted myself off
and walked away.
I was confident
that I could withstand the pain.
I did wonder at the time
how many thoughts
are contained in just one second?

Now I sit here, typing with one finger.
Thankful, that it’s only my pride
that’s bruised
and maybe my shoulder and thigh.
Ok, my writing hand as well!
I’m alive,
a little out of balance,
a little shaken
somewhat stirred,
but I’m still whistling through the universe
gazing at stars
listening to the sweet sound of birds
smelling the fragrant air
and reading your lovely blog posts!

P.S. That was on Monday and I’m on the mend, typing with two fingers now! 🙂