Posted in grief

Untethered shores…

“what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?”
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

I’ll take a boat
to anywhere
just to sink this sorrow
and drown despair.

The air has been heavy
with what could have been,
the nights are dark
with desolate dreams!

And though my words
still know their rhyme
unforgiving memories
screech out of time…

In quiet utterances
of sun an moon,
some have said
you were gone too soon,
but lifetimes
were written
into holy memoirs,
and Time Lords
inscribed your name
in the stars.

In faraway galaxies
on untethered shores,
I still hear the echo
of angelic applause,
And the lapping of eternity,
reminds me that you are
endlessly free..

Posted in grief

Sowing tears..

“Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.”
-Psalm 126

The sun set
on my tears,
the moon rose
in my eyes,
my bed was soaked
with sadness,
the cosmos
heard my cries…

Pity me not beloved
for I’m favoured
with the belief,
that courage
will always find me
and sanctify my grief!

The darkness
caressed me softly,
holding me in sleep,
sowing my tears
of sorrow,
that joy
I’ll surely reap..

a bright sunbeam
awoke me
into a new day,
with songbirds at my window
chirping that it’s okay..

So I planted my tears
in the morning,
with words
that must be said,
and I watered grounds
of uncertainty,
that faith
will gently spread…

©AllysoAlly2021

Posted in grief

Distractions…

“Your body is woven from the light of heaven.”
― Rumi

In the agony of what seems lost,
there’s a light
that is invitingly soft…
If I move willingly into its core,
will my mournful breath be restored?
Will it hold me when
I cannot stand,
ever so tenderly take my hand,
and walk with me into distractions,
where fluency
is carefully imagined,
so that every fragment of my marrow,
turns my grief into something hallowed..
that when my tears
become lakes,
I’ll dive into evolved states,
and swim forever in cosmic seas,
and be gently comforted
by eternity..

I reworked this piece and it reminded me to keep moving into light

©AllysoAlly2021

Posted in grief

Holding a space…

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
[Matt 5:4]”

I feel as though I have landed in a terrible place of sorrow again,
my body aches with it, but I’m letting it be….

Two friends of mine have passed away within a month,
and not from covid…
It’s a heavy toll.
I wonder sometimes how much grief one can bear in this life,
does it accumulate?
Does the heaviness stay in our bones and bleed out when triggered?
Circumstances surrounding the death can be a catalyst
for the most terrible kind of sadness,
like when someone decides that they can’t live
on this earth plain anymore.

I have watched for three and a half years as people
lose children in many different ways,
be it by still-birth, suicide, cancer
and a multitude of other reasons.
It seems by far the worst kind of loss,
and it can be made more complicated by so many factors.

With a beautiful support group, and being able to share my worst pain ever,
I am able to see light and to even to touch it.
I have been able to bring myself into a place of serenity and beauty,
and to see those departed souls as perfectly exquisite beings of light.

It took time though and intention to find my way out
of the most awful heaviness.
Sometimes it takes bearing my soul, speaking out my regrets
and even reaching down into the heart-break,
At times it takes letting my heart be completely ripped to shreds.
I cannot hold this kind of sorrow inside me,
I would not be honoring those
who are no longer here, if I did,
nor would I be showing myself loving-kindness.
 
You don’t just get over it,
so, right now, I’m holding a space for mourning, for sitting in the pain.

I realize how hard it is to be here on this earth right now,
especially in these times, when so many lives
have been impacted in different ways.
It has separated many and being isolated brings
an even greater intensity of sadness…
a profound grief.

The trace of those who have touched our lives,
the substance of them
lingers forever
locked away in our hearts,
until one day we see them again,
in their wholeness…
In the last year there have been many losses
and not just because of covid.
It’s as though there is “a checking out” of many humans.

I vow to keep the faith,
love as much as is humanly possible
and always be ever so gentle
with myself and others…

and keep watch for the beauty that surrounds me,
even when it is hidden in dark places!

©AllysoAlly2021

Posted in grief

Rescued again by butterflies…

“It is better for the heart to break, than not to break.”
― Mary Oliver

I buried a scream once, behind my brave face, but there is always a reckoning, a sliding out of unbearable pain, like a dark thing that ambushes me when I least expect it.

It comes quickly with full force and drenches me to the bone in sadness, the ache is like a thunder-clap to my chest, my throat becomes clogged and choked in despair.
This monster entangles me in self-pity, it is a living thing, it worms its way into my flesh, crawling over my skin, burning me alive, tormenting me. For a time I am lost to its will.  
I sink into the graphic rawness of grief, no longer able to float above the heartbreak. I’m weighed down, leaden and gloomy.

A force greater than me allows this hurt to burst its banks, enabling my broken-heart to be exsanguinated…

I’m learning that it’s best to let it run its course, until I am rescued again by butterflies…

©AllysoAlly2021

Posted in grief

Grace intervenes…

There’s a sadness that lives
inside me,
in unspoken words,
with no remedy
no antidote
no gentle return…

to a hoped for normality
of lucid breath,
there’s no glory in the cruelty
of unexpected death…

Even happy events
won’t erase the pain,
sometimes grief’s moods
cannot be explained…

And life goes on without me
like an ever-flowing stream,
and I hold onto those moments,
where grace intervenes…

though the longing remains constant,
in the quietness of my mind,
unspoken,
unanswered,
needing a world that’s kind…

©AllysoAlly2020

Posted in grief

Elysium…

“We’re all just walking each other home.”
― Ram Dass

fog 3

I got lost in sadness with no way out,
my heart was filled with terrible doubt,
I could not feel my inner glow,
the land was distant
the lights were low…

In dense air, my breathing dimmed,
disorientated by
unforgiving winds…

Doubt grew thicker
I could not see,
the fog muffled my desperate pleas…

Only light could save me from despair,
in the guise of tender loving care…

I’d slipped into pits
of unbearable pain,
I knew these wounds
were preordained…
and tears must fall and grief must be,
to bring me back to sanity…

and the time will come when I revisit sorrow,
maybe next month,
maybe tomorrow…
but my hope is that every earthling knows
that a Mother’s heartache is a dreadful blow…

that my body weeps, as it should
all I need is to be understood…

to visit lands where grief is allowed,
and reach beyond these temporal shrouds…

to see horizons gleaming with hope,
and set my feet on Elysium slopes…

©AllysoAlly2020

Posted in grief

Deja-vu…

I’ve been down to these waters and knelt in the slime…
in confessions of sorrow, I’ve merged
with love sublime…

dejavu

It’s the hushed words
they never said,
the waking hours
of absolute dread…
it’s the countless dreams
that did not wake,
the deafening silence
of earthshattering quakes…

yet it’s an utterance that still has wings, the bounty of mysterious things…

©AllysoAlly2020