Posted in grief

Holding a space…

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
[Matt 5:4]”

I feel as though I have landed in a terrible place of sorrow again,
my body aches with it, but I’m letting it be….

Two friends of mine have passed away within a month,
and not from covid…
It’s a heavy toll.
I wonder sometimes how much grief one can bear in this life,
does it accumulate?
Does the heaviness stay in our bones and bleed out when triggered?
Circumstances surrounding the death can be a catalyst
for the most terrible kind of sadness,
like when someone decides that they can’t live
on this earth plain anymore.

I have watched for three and a half years as people
lose children in many different ways,
be it by still-birth, suicide, cancer
and a multitude of other reasons.
It seems by far the worst kind of loss,
and it can be made more complicated by so many factors.

With a beautiful support group, and being able to share my worst pain ever,
I am able to see light and to even to touch it.
I have been able to bring myself into a place of serenity and beauty,
and to see those departed souls as perfectly exquisite beings of light.

It took time though and intention to find my way out
of the most awful heaviness.
Sometimes it takes bearing my soul, speaking out my regrets
and even reaching down into the heart-break,
At times it takes letting my heart be completely ripped to shreds.
I cannot hold this kind of sorrow inside me,
I would not be honoring those
who are no longer here, if I did,
nor would I be showing myself loving-kindness.
 
You don’t just get over it,
so, right now, I’m holding a space for mourning, for sitting in the pain.

I realize how hard it is to be here on this earth right now,
especially in these times, when so many lives
have been impacted in different ways.
It has separated many and being isolated brings
an even greater intensity of sadness…
a profound grief.

The trace of those who have touched our lives,
the substance of them
lingers forever
locked away in our hearts,
until one day we see them again,
in their wholeness…
In the last year there have been many losses
and not just because of covid.
It’s as though there is “a checking out” of many humans.

I vow to keep the faith,
love as much as is humanly possible
and always be ever so gentle
with myself and others…

and keep watch for the beauty that surrounds me,
even when it is hidden in dark places!

©AllysoAlly2021

Posted in grief

Rescued again by butterflies…

“It is better for the heart to break, than not to break.”
― Mary Oliver

I buried a scream once, behind my brave face, but there is always a reckoning, a sliding out of unbearable pain, like a dark thing that ambushes me when I least expect it.

It comes quickly with full force and drenches me to the bone in sadness, the ache is like a thunder-clap to my chest, my throat becomes clogged and choked in despair.
This monster entangles me in self-pity, it is a living thing, it worms its way into my flesh, crawling over my skin, burning me alive, tormenting me. For a time I am lost to its will.  
I sink into the graphic rawness of grief, no longer able to float above the heartbreak. I’m weighed down, leaden and gloomy.

A force greater than me allows this hurt to burst its banks, enabling my broken-heart to be exsanguinated…

I’m learning that it’s best to let it run its course, until I am rescued again by butterflies…

©AllysoAlly2021

Posted in grief

Grace intervenes…

There’s a sadness that lives
inside me,
in unspoken words,
with no remedy
no antidote
no gentle return…

to a hoped for normality
of lucid breath,
there’s no glory in the cruelty
of unexpected death…

Even happy events
won’t erase the pain,
sometimes grief’s moods
cannot be explained…

And life goes on without me
like an ever-flowing stream,
and I hold onto those moments,
where grace intervenes…

though the longing remains constant,
in the quietness of my mind,
unspoken,
unanswered,
needing a world that’s kind…

©AllysoAlly2020

Posted in grief

Elysium…

“We’re all just walking each other home.”
― Ram Dass

fog 3

I got lost in sadness with no way out,
my heart was filled with terrible doubt,
I could not feel my inner glow,
the land was distant
the lights were low…

In dense air, my breathing dimmed,
disorientated by
unforgiving winds…

Doubt grew thicker
I could not see,
the fog muffled my desperate pleas…

Only light could save me from despair,
in the guise of tender loving care…

I’d slipped into pits
of unbearable pain,
I knew these wounds
were preordained…
and tears must fall and grief must be,
to bring me back to sanity…

and the time will come when I revisit sorrow,
maybe next month,
maybe tomorrow…
but my hope is that every earthling knows
that a Mother’s heartache is a dreadful blow…

that my body weeps, as it should
all I need is to be understood…

to visit lands where grief is allowed,
and reach beyond these temporal shrouds…

to see horizons gleaming with hope,
and set my feet on Elysium slopes…

©AllysoAlly2020

Posted in grief

Deja-vu…

I’ve been down to these waters and knelt in the slime…
in confessions of sorrow, I’ve merged
with love sublime…

dejavu

It’s the hushed words
they never said,
the waking hours
of absolute dread…
it’s the countless dreams
that did not wake,
the deafening silence
of earthshattering quakes…

yet it’s an utterance that still has wings, the bounty of mysterious things…

©AllysoAlly2020

Posted in a remembrance, grief

Bent in worship…

On the day when the weight deadens on your shoulders
and you stumble, may the clay dance to balance you.
― John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

bent in worship

bent from their
burdens,
shouldering their pain,
archipelagos of grief
joined in
refrain…
their tears were
as raindrops
of the crystalline kind…
heavy with sorrow
their hearts
were enshrined,
in the embers
of remembrance
scattered
on the winds,
in iridescent worship,
their light
never dimmed…

©AllysoAlly2019

 

Posted in grief, Love

If thoughts were raindrops…

if thoughts were raindrops

If thoughts were
raindrops
I’d send some to you,
I’d let them
cross dusty plains
to wash away
your blues…
I’d wrap up kisses
with no
return address,
I’d send them
post haste,
to undo
your distress…
I’d whisper
to love birds
to catch
all your tears,
to sing to you
sweet melodies,
till your sadness
disappears…
I’d even wish
on falling stars,
if that would
bring you peace,
and show you
the great expanse
where wonders
never cease…
But I can’t take away
your grief,
I wouldn’t even try,
It’s the thing that makes
you human,
It’s your love
amplified…

©AllysoAlly2019

Posted in grief

Deliverance…

“Within tears, find hidden laughter
Seek treasures amid ruins, sincere one. ”
― Jalaludin Rumi

angel tears

Yesterday
was a bad day,
my faith
plummeted
like ash…
in an inferno of grief
I smoldered
and crashed… then pressing
my breath
in darkness,
the impenetrable kind,
I unleashed secrets
that had tormented
my mind…
I claimed
deliverance,
as sorrow
bled through
my being,
flooding me with holiness,
and life’s
deeper meaning… and tears doused
the agony
quenching its flames…
in liquid surrender
I carried the remains…

image courtesy of PixaBay
©AllysoAlly2019