Rescued again by butterflies…

“It is better for the heart to break, than not to break.”
― Mary Oliver

I buried a scream once, behind my brave face, but there is always a reckoning, a sliding out of unbearable pain, like a dark thing that ambushes me when I least expect it.

It comes quickly with full force and drenches me to the bone in sadness, the ache is like a thunder-clap to my chest, my throat becomes clogged and choked in despair.
This monster entangles me in self-pity, it is a living thing, it worms its way into my flesh, crawling over my skin, burning me alive, tormenting me. For a time I am lost to its will.  
I sink into the graphic rawness of grief, no longer able to float above the heartbreak. I’m weighed down, leaden and gloomy.

A force greater than me allows this hurt to burst its banks, enabling my broken-heart to be exsanguinated…

I’m learning that it’s best to let it run its course, until I am rescued again by butterflies…

©AllysoAlly2021

The colors of their gentleness…

I gathered my strength
among flowers,
drinking of
their superpowers,
And when I was
too weak
to stand
I spread my grief
over radiant lands…

And the colors of their gentleness,
bought me back
to a sweet caress
of everything
that’s known,

Allowing my tears to overflow… 

©AllysoAlly2020

Love always stays…

Charting the aspects
of what it means
to be alive,
I visit sites
where I barely
survived…
praying my heart
can translate
the pain,
I’m broken open
and shattered
once again..
my soul laid bare
in disorderly praise,
I’m always grateful
for the love
that stays…

©AllysoAlly2020

Grace intervenes…

There’s a sadness that lives
inside me,
in unspoken words,
with no remedy
no antidote
no gentle return…

to a hoped for normality
of lucid breath,
there’s no glory in the cruelty
of unexpected death…

Even happy events
won’t erase the pain,
sometimes grief’s moods
cannot be explained…

And life goes on without me
like an ever-flowing stream,
and I hold onto those moments,
where grace intervenes…

though the longing remains constant,
in the quietness of my mind,
unspoken,
unanswered,
needing a world that’s kind…

©AllysoAlly2020

Elysium…

“We’re all just walking each other home.”
― Ram Dass

I got lost in sadness with no way out,
my heart was filled with terrible doubt,
I could not feel my inner glow,
the land was distant
the lights were low…

In dense air, my breathing dimmed,
disorientated by
unforgiving winds…

Doubt grew thicker
I could not see,
the fog muffled my desperate pleas…

Only light could save me from despair,
in the guise of tender loving care…

I’d slipped into pits
of unbearable pain,
I knew these wounds
were preordained…
and tears must fall and grief must be,
to bring me back to sanity…

and the time will come when I revisit sorrow,
maybe next month,
maybe tomorrow…
but my hope is that every earthling knows
that a Mother’s heartache is a dreadful blow…

that my body weeps, as it should
all I need is to be understood…

to visit lands where grief is allowed,
and reach beyond these temporal shrouds…

to see horizons gleaming with hope,
and set my feet on Elysium slopes…

©AllysoAlly2020

Deja-vu…

I’ve been down to these waters and knelt in the slime…
in confessions of sorrow, I’ve merged
with love sublime…

It’s the hushed words
they never said,
the waking hours
of absolute dread…
it’s the countless dreams
that did not wake,
the deafening silence
of earthshattering quakes…

yet it’s an utterance that still has wings, the bounty of mysterious things…

©AllysoAlly2020

Bent in worship…

On the day when the weight deadens on your shoulders
and you stumble, may the clay dance to balance you.
― John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

bent from their
burdens,
shouldering their pain,
archipelagos of grief
joined in
refrain…
their tears were
as raindrops
of the crystalline kind…
heavy with sorrow
their hearts
were enshrined,
in the embers
of remembrance
scattered
on the winds,
in iridescent worship,
their light
never dimmed…

©AllysoAlly2019

 

If thoughts were raindrops…

If thoughts were
raindrops
I’d send some to you,
I’d let them
cross dusty plains
to wash away
your blues…
I’d wrap up kisses
with no
return address,
I’d send them
post haste,
to undo
your distress…
I’d whisper
to love birds
to catch
all your tears,
to sing to you
sweet melodies,
till your sadness
disappears…
I’d even wish
on falling stars,
if that would
bring you peace,
and show you
the great expanse
where wonders
never cease…
But I can’t take away
your grief,
I wouldn’t even try,
It’s the thing that makes
you human,
It’s your love
amplified…

©AllysoAlly2019

Deliverance…

“Within tears, find hidden laughter
Seek treasures amid ruins, sincere one. ”
― Jalaludin Rumi

Yesterday
was a bad day,
my faith
plummeted
like ash…
in an inferno of grief
I smoldered
and crashed… then pressing
my breath
in darkness,
the impenetrable kind,
I unleashed secrets
that had tormented
my mind…
I claimed
deliverance,
as sorrow
bled through
my being,
flooding me with holiness,
and life’s
deeper meaning… and tears doused
the agony
quenching its flames…
in liquid surrender
I carried the remains…

image courtesy of PixaBay
©AllysoAlly2019

It’s faith….#dayfour

Faith is believing in the unseen order of things…
-Glennon Doyle

It’s fragile confessions
uttered at dawn,
revelations that you can go on!

It’s the bleeding out
of every fear,
anthologies of copious tears,
it’s an inner creed,
faith unseen
it’s the hope that floats in the in-between!

It’s surrender,
it’s sacrifice,
a giving up of one’s very own life!
A deep awakening
from disbelief,
a gentle feeling of being released…

©Ally2019