“Your body is woven from the light of heaven.” ― Rumi
In the agony of what seems lost, there’s a light that is invitingly soft… If I move willingly into its core, will my mournful breath be restored? Will it hold me when I cannot stand, ever so tenderly take my hand, and walk with me into distractions, where fluency is carefully imagined, so that every fragment of my marrow, turns my grief into something hallowed.. that when my tears become lakes, I’ll dive into evolved states, and swim forever in cosmic seas, and be gently comforted by eternity..
I reworkedthis piece and it reminded me to keep moving into light…
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. [Matt 5:4]”
I feel as though I have landed in a terrible place of sorrow again, my body aches with it, but I’m letting it be….
Two friends of mine have passed away within a month, and not from covid… It’s a heavy toll. I wonder sometimes how much grief one can bear in this life, does it accumulate? Does the heaviness stay in our bones and bleed out when triggered? Circumstances surrounding the death can be a catalyst for the most terrible kind of sadness, like when someone decides that they can’t live on this earth plain anymore.
I have watched for three and a half years as people lose children in many different ways, be it by still-birth, suicide, cancer and a multitude of other reasons. It seems by far the worst kind of loss, and it can be made more complicated by so many factors.
With a beautiful support group, and being able to share my worst pain ever, I am able to see light and to even to touch it. I have been able to bring myself into a place of serenity and beauty, and to see those departed souls as perfectly exquisite beings of light.
It took time though and intention to find my way out of the most awful heaviness. Sometimes it takes bearing my soul, speaking out my regrets and even reaching down into the heart-break, At times it takes letting my heart be completely ripped to shreds. I cannot hold this kind of sorrow inside me, I would not be honoring those who are no longer here, if I did, nor would I be showing myself loving-kindness.
You don’t just get over it, so, right now, I’m holding a space for mourning, for sitting in the pain.
I realize how hard it is to be here on this earth right now, especially in these times, when so many lives have been impacted in different ways. It has separated many and being isolated brings an even greater intensity of sadness… a profound grief.
The trace of those who have touched our lives, the substance of them lingers forever locked away in our hearts, until one day we see them again, in their wholeness… In the last year there have been many losses and not just because of covid. It’s as though there is “a checking out” of many humans.
I vow to keep the faith, love as much as is humanly possible and always be ever so gentle with myself and others…
and keep watch for the beauty that surrounds me, even when it is hidden in dark places!
“It is better for the heart to break, than not to break.” ― Mary Oliver
I buried a scream once, behind my brave face, but there is always a reckoning, a sliding out of unbearable pain, like a dark thing that ambushes me when I least expect it.
It comes quickly with full force and drenches me to the bone in sadness, the ache is like a thunder-clap to my chest, my throat becomes clogged and choked in despair. This monster entangles me in self-pity, it is a living thing, it worms its way into my flesh, crawling over my skin, burning me alive, tormenting me. For a time I am lost to its will. I sink into the graphic rawness of grief, no longer able to float above the heartbreak. I’m weighed down, leaden and gloomy.
A force greater than me allows this hurt to burst its banks, enabling my broken-heart to be exsanguinated…
I’m learning that it’s best to let it run its course, until I am rescued again by butterflies…
Charting the aspects of what it means to be alive, I visit sites where I barely survived… praying my heart can translate the pain, I’m broken open and shattered once again.. my soul laid bare in disorderly praise, I’m always grateful for the love that stays…