Resurrection

 I stood on the river bank, in silence,
waiting….
beside the cool waters.
Under the shade of parental suffocation.

The waters seemed timid,
almost a trickle,
an easy swim to the other side….
As I jumped into the water, a torrent came.
I was unprepared.
The mud on the bank was sliding
and the waters became quite cloudy.

I was consumed….
and then taken under,
into the depths.

The monsters below knew me,
they welcomed me in silence,
as if it were my home.

At first the asphyxiation was not apparent
and it eased me into submission…

On looking up, I could still see light..
the light of my understanding,
but I could not get to the light!

The waters surrounded me, they held me hostage
it became my prison.
The monsters of the deep were serenading me, blinding my eyes..
slowly shutting me off from the light,
the light of my understanding..

I remember the shore from where I had come,
I remembered the choking,
the acquiescence.
I had learnt how to hold my breath on that shore,
but I hadn’t seen the sun in the deep shade of my parental home.
I had always longed for the son!

As the waters took me deeper
I was enveloped in darkness.
The light became a mere speck in the distance.
I let the creatures hold me,
comfort me.

I knew no other self, only the shadow self.

Then at the bottom where consciousness was almost lost,
I saw my own reflection
and at first I didn’t recognise it.
It had grown ashen and grotesque….

But even in the deep, You were always with me,
trying to pull me upward.
The coldness had numbed my senses and pain had made me succumb to darkness…

I was alone when You came, not creature stirred that evening.
Your light came to find me,
in the twilight,
to find my shadow self,
and I knew that You had been there, since the foundation of the earth.

You taught me to stand on the distant shore, in the bright sunshine.
You let me look at the cascading waters, from the other side,
You let me touch my sorrow!

I saw great beauty in the crystal waters, even through the insanity.
My senses came to life,
it was my transformation!

I began to gulp deep breaths of emancipation,
I started to soar a little
and I began to live in the light,
the light of my understanding.
My true home, my authentic self.

I can still see the home of my parental affliction,
in the distance,
beyond time……

But I’m learning to exhale in the light of my own transfiguration.
I’m learning to transcend my shadow self.

It’s been a long journey and I’m nearly home……
I’m trying to dream while I’m awake,
and keep watch while I’m asleep.

It is my resurrection! 

       

Looking for the light

I stand here alone, on the outskirts of all hope. I dwell in the open plains of desolation, looking in, almost afraid to breathe. I try not to feel, because the pain goes so deep.

You cannot see my vantage point; it is on the edge of the Universe, where the darkness is touching the light.

I’ve lost touch with who you are, my mind cannot reconcile that happy, loving being with the anger in you now. I pray for strength, I pray for tomorrow, even when today is not yet finished.

Pieces of me float around in outer space, as if I’ve been blown apart.

I keep trying to bring myself back to earth, and I try to listen to the happy sound of birds in the early morning and feel the gentleness of the breeze in the evening. All feeling gets extinguished in that moment when insanity prevails; my survival is at stake now!

Each time you throw yourself into reckless abandonment, a little piece of me dies inside. I cannot help the anguish that overwhelms me. Does God not cry at the suffering of his children?

I am waiting for the resurrection to come, when all things will be made right. I don’t even know if I believe anymore!

It’s only in the depths that I know there is a God, only in the places where the wild things go, that there is a Savior.

My vigil is standing watching the light; holding on to what is sacred. Hope fades when weariness sets in and days become continuous night.

Sometimes I stand brokenhearted on the shores of yesterday, I cannot hear the ocean. My being is motionless and the dull ache of sadness has paralyzed me.

The lightness of the sky is my tomorrow, the birds sweep down and they circle all around me. They can see my hollow bones.

I long to lie down in greener places and watch as light overcomes darkness. I would love the comfort of peace. If sacrifice is what it takes to heal brokenness, I would have let the atonement take me long before the madness.

Is sorrow eternal?

Can I soar above and beyond the heartbreak and see a tomorrow-land full of hope?

My vantage point has obscured my vision, blindness is my thinking.

I am broken…..almost beyond repair!

 

I am an outcast

Being an outsider to some extent, someone who does not ‘fit in’ with others or is rejected by them for whatever reason, makes life difficult, but it also places you at an advantage as far as enlightenment is concerned. It takes you out of unconsciousness almost by force.”
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

I am an outcast, on the open plains of defeat, abandoned and alone. I have been a misfit all my life, yet I was born to something different, and inborn awareness.

I’ve learnt to cry with the brokenhearted.

I’ve always loved the feeling of sun on my freckled face, the smell of the forest and the taste of chocolate cake.

I have a dance in me, and the music keeps playing. I feel the changes in me down to the depths, my emotions are in tune.

I’m wild at heart, a free spirit, a gypsy, trained in joylessness. I have fun emanating from my being, locked in dark places trying to explode.

Too long have I seen myself reflected in your eyes, too long have I wanted your acceptance. You changed me in your disbelief. I am an outcast and a stranger, forbidden to say those words, that truth.

Please can we try again, to know each other, to explore the places where darkness has misled us. I don’t mind being a nobody, I’ve let go of the bonds of ego and self.

The worm has transformed into a butterfly, flying above all earthly attractions, into unknown territory, still uncharted.

They say that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” but I’ve died a million times….I’ve died trying to get closer to you.

I’ve died to be reborn….

Everything keeps changing

Even when I think nothing has changed….
the stars are still in motion,
the tides ebb and flow,
the seasons change…
and the winds go in other directions.

Yet my inner being ages and grows.
The expansion and marvel of nature
removes the husk….
it hurts!

Pain brings forth redemption
and compassion is infused in my soul…..

God is ever present at the turning of the tides.
He is holding the particles of dust
and then letting them fall…

He is saturating me with His grace
through His bright shining Son!
He allows me to drink from His cup
and eat at His table,
even during my reign of terror!

He loves me like no other
and in His season
when the winds have calmed
and movement is fluorescent…..
He will wipe away my tears
and heal my shattered soul!