“They tried to bury us, they didn’t know we were seeds.” ― Dinos Christianopoulos
I keep my brave face on but memories gush forth from my eyes. I’m no deaths head at a feast but between the lines I’m no hero either! I feel anger I get hurt and when no one listens I feel misunderstood.
But in me there’s a spirit that cannot die, there’s an awareness that flies in the face of grief, It reaches down it holds a space, it’s the love that cannot be replaced.
I’ve seen you through a butterfly’s eyes, that tender touch that no one sees, I pretend to be alright, but secretly I’m broken, secretly I weep for all the dreams that died.
But Jah knows and the angels call me worthy. There are sweet songs of surrender on my lips and my tears water the grounds of what I’m yet to become.. holy seeds sprouting in eternity..
The distant mountains carved out blues, reflections of my constant muse… I waded down to the water’s edge and from the banks the herons pledged to teach me to gently glide and flow… to be unruffled in times of woe…
In the everglades hidden away, I unearthed an anointing on this day…
I’ve been doing the surrender experiment for a few years, but every now and then I forget and start trying to control things again, then I go out and get re-taught by birds and butterflies!
“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.” ― Ram Dass
It was an existential crisis, a sign of the times, like a reed in the wind I was blown every which way, unable to take hold of earth’s loveliness, like I usually do!
I wanted to find that elusive escape button so that I could pretend that there is nothing wrong with the world or with me. I was questioning everything, and for an instant believing nothing!
You know that feeling, when you wonder if anything is actually real or is being alive just a figment of your imagination?
Like being outside of your body and seeing an unfamiliar person!
It wasn’t in the pages of a book or a movie that I found the remedy that brought the magic back.
the mind has its own will and being stubborn by nature it goes on a loop, a never-ending cycle without my permission pulling me under until I can no-longer breathe!
It was a glimpse, a word, maybe a phrase, an ah-ha moment, when I realized I was writing my own story again before it even happened, but without a happy ending. A futuristic novel based on bad evidence mixed with lashings of self-doubt, an incoherent babble, with an apocalyptic ending where everything falls entirely apart!
Maybe it was an angelic message or an intervention of some kind, an… “alright already, enough!”
I tend to do that, I tend to make up stories, some true, but mostly false, telling myself I’m ugly or useless.
I don’t know where they come from, they occupy an old groove in an over-played worn-out recording?
Not my original earth-song, spoken to me by Jah, sung to me by the angels made in the sacred light of stars written by the Time Lords given to me to carry through eternity…
It’s quite overwhelming not to believe in oneself, it’s like being stuck in quicksand, and all around there’s a quagmire of doubt sucking me down, into a horrible state of powerlessness!
I’m sitting it out now letting the last fragments of doubt dissipate the madness runs through my blood and bleeds out… I’m watching the rush of waters as I wait for the moon to pull the tides out…
I promise I’ll try not rage against the storm even when I see it coming from a distance…
instead I’ll open my eyes and my heart and let the light filter in and I’ll keep on keeping on…
I’ll see those steps before me, I will admit I’m powerless, I’ll believe that my Higher Power can restore me to sanity, I’ll turn over my will to the God of my understanding,
In scatterings of repose,
where loveliness strolls,
I lingered near the lake,
a halcyon escape,
down pathways untrodden,
where strife had been forgotten…
In quags where grace compels,
and mindfulness dwells… I surrendered to the peace
in groves of wild geese,
and true serenity reclined
and boggy shrines…
The distant mountains
carved out blues,
my constant muse…
I waded down
to the water’s edge
and from the banks
the herons pledged
to teach me
with the ebb and flow…
to be unruffled
in times of woe…
In the everglades
I unearthed an anointing of this day…