“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.”
― Ram Dass
It was an existential crisis,
a sign of the times,
like a reed in the wind
I was blown every which way,
unable to take hold of earth’s loveliness,
like I usually do!
I wanted to find
that elusive escape button
so that I could pretend
that there is nothing
wrong with the world
or with me.
I was questioning everything,
and for an instant
You know that feeling,
when you wonder if anything
is actually real
or is being alive just a figment
of your imagination?
Like being outside of your body and seeing an unfamiliar person!
It wasn’t in the pages of a book
or a movie
that I found
that brought the magic back.
the mind has its own will
and being stubborn by nature
it goes on a loop, a never-ending cycle
without my permission
pulling me under
until I can no-longer breathe!
It was a glimpse,
maybe a phrase,
an ah-ha moment,
when I realized I was writing my own story again
before it even happened,
but without a happy ending.
A futuristic novel based on bad evidence
mixed with lashings of self-doubt,
an incoherent babble,
with an apocalyptic ending
where everything falls
Maybe it was an angelic message
or an intervention of some kind,
an… “alright already, enough!”
I tend to do that,
I tend to make up stories,
some true, but mostly false,
telling myself I’m ugly or useless.
I don’t know where they come from,
they occupy an old groove
in an over-played
Not my original earth-song,
spoken to me by Jah,
sung to me by the angels
made in the sacred light of stars
written by the Time Lords
given to me to carry through eternity…
It’s quite overwhelming not to believe in oneself,
it’s like being stuck in quicksand,
and all around there’s a quagmire
of doubt sucking me down,
into a horrible state of powerlessness!
I’m sitting it out now
letting the last fragments of doubt dissipate
the madness runs through my blood
and bleeds out…
I’m watching the rush of waters
as I wait for the moon to pull the tides out…
I promise I’ll try not rage against the storm
even when I see it coming from a distance…
instead I’ll open my eyes
and my heart
and let the light filter in
and I’ll keep on keeping on…
I’ll see those steps before me,
I will admit I’m powerless,
I’ll believe that my Higher Power can restore me to sanity,
I’ll turn over my will to the God of my understanding,
And I’ll surrender….