Mercy is falling…..

And … who would we be, and how would we feel, and how would we live life … if we choose to believe that “our” God ONLY allows each of us to die “right on time.
― Tom Zuba, Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief

At times as a griever I beat myself up over what I could have, should have done to save my son, but the words of Tom Zuba’s book “Permission to Mourn” brings me back to reality……..

Drifting through seas of anguish,
on unrelenting tides,
unable to catch my breath,
I let out a cry….
“Have mercy Lord,
mercy,
I can’t stand this pain!”
Shattered in a million pieces,
going insane!

Your words sprung out and rescued me
from dark pits of despair;
I stumbled into a knowing,
and whispered in silent prayer.

“Forgive yourself for failing;
failing
to see the signs,
for only God appoints
the hour,
the day,
and the time”

I heard you say there was nothing,
nothing I could do,
to prevent the death
of my son,
and all that he went through!

In an instant
I realized
that I should trust his soul
forever my teacher,
guiding me to be whole.

I miss his face,
I miss his laugh,
I miss his physical form,
on pitch dark nights
I stare out,
hoping to weather this storm.

I’ve seen a glow on the horizon,
evidence
that he still exists.
I’m surrounded by hosts of Angels,
bestowing
sacred gifts…..

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Crystalline emblems

“When a stargirl cries, she sheds not tears but light.”
― Jerry Spinelli, Stargirl

I’ve been crying lately,
in penetrating remembrance.
Uncontrollable emotions have swarmed
imposing their misery.
Daytime obstacles to joy,
I shut them out,
they come in the back door,
more ferocious
and cruel!
I’ve judged them unworthy,
these serpentine thoughts,
saying out loud “what’s wrong with me?”

Well, this is what’s wrong;
I’m a broken-hearted Earthling,
devoid of dreams,
shattered in shards,
prodded by circumstance,
weary of this earthen tread,
trying to feel grounded,
on an unsteady planet.
The tilt and the pull
of a waning moon has pressed down
on my unbalanced tides
in merciless ebb.
I’m grasped by hostile oceans of despair,
and drowned by sorrow!

The movement and flow of life,
of normality
won’t bring me back
to equilibrium.

I see the others,
smiling,
happy,
laughing,
and I wonder why?
But I dare not ask myself that?
It would sound ungrateful!
But in reality
I’m
discouraged,
as I drag my body
across an unwanted life
I fall into
quagmires of pity,
and I search for hope
in a morass of incongruity…

and then
I see You
collecting my tears
in a jar
from Your own luminescent waters,
and at a distance
they look like crystalline emblems,
shining lights,
of a brave soul’s journey!

©AllysoAlly2018

 

Shekhinah

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
― Leonard Cohen

I felt like I’m drowning,
drowning
in seas of despair,
calling incoherently,
asking for God to be near!

In pitch black
darkness,
I sink beneath the waves,
light on mercy’s shore,
shines
through the haze.

Broken pieces are scattered,
scattered
in cosmic seas,
waves crash harder,
drowning out my pleas!

I want to just wallow,
wallow in this pain,
with no light
or refuge,
till I’m found
in You again!

The wound is where
the light gets in;
I feel this affliction on my skin……

©AllysoAlly2018

Everlasting Jubilee

“Our death is our wedding with eternity.”
― Rumi

Today we set my son’s ashes free into the ocean. It was a spur of the moment thing.
The day was magical and the ocean was warm..

The ocean received your body,
waves absorbed my tears.
I heard your song of freedom
whispering in my ears.

As you dance in cosmic vistas,
far from Earthly pain
your spirit keeps on soaring;
remembrance forever remains.

There are no goodbyes in heaven,
just a lucent diaphanous veil.
I touch you with my spirit
as though I’m interpreting braille.

Your path is festooned with flowers,
as far as the eye can see,
in a star bedazzled universe,
everlasting jubilee!

and as we drove home, this magnificent creature honored us with his presence….

©AllysoAlly2018

Restoration

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
― Kahlil Gibran

It’s hard to contain happiness,
when my heart is still in pieces.
I’ve tried to embody it,
but joy is not cohesive.
In this moment,
there’s sorrow
living inside of me,
its toxic stain holds me
and will not let me be!

The tunnel of love, I journey through,
has light at its end.
I observe it,
and feel it,
I know I will transcend.

Darkness guides me,
to where
living waters flow.
My restoration,
the comforter
bestows.
And in the midst of affliction
a table is prepared
I sup with His kindness,
my faith is unimpaired……

©AllysoAlly2018

Remembrance

“For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountaintop,then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs,then shall you truly dance.”
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

It’s six months ago today that you went
back to the light,
to your true home.
I’ve thought about you every day since then.
I’ve set an intention to heal,
and even though I will never be the same,
I choose to honour you
with my life.
I will hold the memory of you
in my heart,
until we meet again
in paradise.

I’ve read books about grief and near death experiences,
trying to find my way into the realm where only joy exists,
that place where you now live.
I’ve joined the army of parents
who know this indescribable pain of loss.
I’ve cried until every part of me hurts.
I’ve questioned every one of my beliefs.
I’ve even stormed the gates of heaven to find you.
I’ve been to hell
and now I know it’s not a real place,
because God is love and He would never
torture those whom He loves
for eternity.

I have seen you in my dreams,
I won’t let you go,
you know me like that!

I’ve been led to people of light who have suffered
and survived,
wounded healers,
whose one desire
is to make this world a better place!
I’ve lit candles every Friday for the last six months.
I’ve pasted your picture on walls.
I still have some treasures that belong to you as a reminder
of how precious you are to me.

And in the stillness of the night,
I hear your voice,
reassuring me that you are still here,
watching over me.
You’ve held my hand
when I was at my lowest ebb,
and it was real!

I’ve searched the sky, the grasslands,
the forests, the rivers, the lakes,
and the ocean shore for signs of you
and you’ve sent me many gifts of love,
signs that no one can take away from a grieving parent.
But I don’t expect those who don’t know this pain
to understand.

I’m living now in a realm between two worlds,
a place occupied by Angels,
where iridescent light shines eternally.
And when living on this planet gets too hard for me to bear
I close my eyes,
and I see the inner light of glory,
the Kingdom of heaven.

I promise you that I will keep watch while I’m asleep,
and dream while I’m awake.
I don’t want to miss a thing.
The goodness and comfort of God surrounds me,
with a love that cannot be measured.
In the meantime I’ll keep forgiving
as you would want me to.
I’ll allow myself to be vulnerable
because
hey, it’s a beautiful thing
to be human the way we are meant to be,
just like you were
while you were here on Earth.
Your legacy is one of generosity and light.

You’ll be glad to know that I’ve tuned out the naysayers,
they are background noise to me now,
and those who pass judgment have been brought to their knees
in the presence of such grace.
You have done your work here on Earth
and I can hear God say
“good and faithful servant
in spite of your pain
you loved
and you forgave!”

You didn’t pass by the homeless
or the broken,
you looked into their eyes,
the way the master did while he was here on Earth
and you had great compassion!

So, as long as I have breath in me,
I will keep on keeping on
and I will take just one day at a time!
I will forever honour your memory,
and be thankful for our time together.
You and your brother are the bravest humans I have ever known.

My beloved son,
I will always be proud to be your Mother!

©AllysoAlly2018

Waves of grief

There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
onto the black tide of loss
― John O’Donohue

It’s no gentle wave
that sweeps me off my feet,
a crouching swell
unbalanced me,
and at the bottom of turbulent seas,
a deluge of tears
brings me
to
my
knees.

my brave face
gets drowned out.
paralyzed
and tossed about.

In squalls of sorrow
I gasp for breath,
grief’s extreme,
takes my strength.

Unreachable
there’s no way out,
disconsolate,
submerged
by doubt…

Tempests crash
and groan in despair,
swallowing each
and every prayer!

I ride the breakers
they reach the shores,
on common ground,
my soul
restores.

For beneath the billows,
there
is a light,
it takes
a village
to restore
my sight!

©AllysoAlly2018