When grief spills

“i will search for you in every lifetime after this
to feel your skin is a blessing that transcends mortality
i would bend worlds and shear through dimensions to keep your soul close to mine”
– Grace King 2022

when grief spills
my body responds
in tears
with an emptiness in the pit of my heart
a split in my psyche
a wave of pity
a disbelief
a lost presence
my head hurts
my throat closes
the wound leaks
and I am left dispossessed…

there’s a force that wants me to remember
and through the pain I can
like I must never forget
I hold onto the memories for dear life
as time fades
and old photographs grow faint

and we grow older and you don’t!

I long to be reunited
and dance
and touch
and feel your laughter
all I can hear now are your words on the wind
all I can see now are the memories of you
all I breathe now is your light that shines in my darkness

I will search every lifetime for you
I will scour the universe to hold your hand once again
your voice is still heard in cosmic realms
it is part of me
it is me

your body was once mine
now in it’s departing
I only see it through the eyes of my soul…

unchanged
I know you
I recognize the essence that is you
and we will be together again
in a great gathering of love

©AllysoAlly2023

When I was a child part 2

When I was a child I was very curious, I would open draws search in cupboards.
I knew where my mom kept her stash of Chocolates and sweets.
It was not celebrated though, if something got lost they would say to ask Ally she’ll know where it is.
My curiosity got me into trouble many times.
I remember staying with a friend of my parents and I would look into everything.
I broke something once because I was trying to see how it worked.
To this day I have never told anyone.
My mother used to say “curiosity kills the cat.” I wonder if she was trying to tell me something,
but that never deterred me!
I haven’t grown out of this curiosity, I still find myself digging into things,
wanting to know why things happen and how things work.
I recently read a study that curiosity is a great asset for a child to have.
I wish my family had read that study back then…

When I was a child…

I’m starting a series of recollections of when I was a child…

When I was a child we moved around a lot
and every time we moved my father would say
“don’t tell anyone”.
This was a terrible dilemma for me
because I had spent the best part of a year
developing a friendship with just one friend.
Now I had to vanish into thin air like I never existed.
The trauma was unbearable because of what waited for me on the other side,
a friendless future and being shy didn’t help.

To this day I only recall the names of 2 childhood friends from school.
I also have an aversion to secrets!

A child of the Universe

“You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”
― Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life

I always wanted to fit-in
instead, I stuck out
like a sore thumb…
they teased me relentlessly for having freckles and red hair
and they never told me that I was pretty.

sometimes those feelings return as if I was a ten-year-old girl again…
I welcome them in as visitors
not strangers to my inner world.
The pain reminds me that I am human after all…
I still haven’t put away childish things!

and then I remind myself that I am a child of the Universe…

©AllysoAlly2022

Still dreaming

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Maybe I’m not pretty enough
not thin enough
not rich enough
for you

but the world is changing
tides are shifting
celebrities are fading
faith is deepening
joy is unfurling
love is increasing
and grace will get us through…

So hopefully I’m kind enough
brave enough
loving enough
forgiving enough
to ride the waves of this change…

In a world where words matter
I’ll keep speaking what is true.

©AllysoAlly2022

Prayer

My Granny taught me this prayer when I was very small…

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life”

The catch of the day!

He was fishing
in shallow waters,
now he trawls
in deep seas,
in heavenly abundance
he exists with ease,
and peace enfolds him
with halcyon dreams,
his love is around me,
it’s the air that I breathe..

©AllysoAlly2021

It’s my son’s birthday month and so many memories come to mind.
I could let them swallow me whole or I could allow them
to softly meld with my consciousness, because love never dies!

Returning…

“You were born a child of light’s wonderful secret
— you return to the beauty you have always been.”
― Aberjhani, Visions of a Skylark Dressed in Black

My sister and I…

I used to ride my bike
for hours
and hours,
walk in the veld
gathering wild-flowers,
run barefoot
on dusty roads,
feel the African sun
deep in my bones.

I believed in the kindness of universal love,
a magical thinker
always dreaming of
my inner magic
my earthly song,
where every believer could sing along…

I would lie on the grass
and count the stars,
dance in the rain
and converse with God,

live in the innocence of the unknown,
ever mindful that
I was never alone..

the tune in my heart, imagined the encore,
and fear hardly ever
knocked at my door!

I grew up in Zimbabwe and remember a childhood of carefree abandon,
unaware of any threat to my survival..
Oh, and I remember learning to ride my brother’s bike without any help.

©AllysoAlly2021

Douglas-Henry born 10thJune 1921..

“We’re forever teetering on the brink of the unknowable,
and trying to understand what can’t be understood.”
― Isaac Asimov, The Caves of Steel

This is a photo of my father at 6 months old…

we weave together memories
we blot out truth

seekers of other worlds
inscriptions from our youth

brought together in kinship
held together by faith

we dance to the tune
of our ancestors
yet our true-selves remain

made from the dust of a million stars,
we come to this earth to learn
teachers
followers
we are the brave returned

disciples, believers
we carry heavy loads
recalling
our purpose
as truly divine souls

and forgiveness really matters
it’s the hope
that we reclaim
as we let love
empower us
for we are of feeble frame!

even in quagmires of suffering
when we cannot see the light
they watch over us daily
and through the darkest nights

for the bones of our ancestors bear our genetic code
reminding us of our heritage
gratefully bestowed

they forged paths through the wilderness
scorched by the heat at midday
they wore the scars of a hundred plagues 
they foresaw earth’s decay

and they rise again in the new earth
like beacons of light
absolved by the Time-Lords
for their stories they rewrite….

I’ve written quite a lot about my old man on this blog,
so I have decided to commemorate his 100th year with a poem.
It’s about letting go and forgiveness.
I know for sure he came to this earth
to teach me to be the person I am today,
whether it be through acceptance or disapproval…
He read books by Isaac Asimov.
Perhaps he did see into the future and he wanted us
to be able to withstand the tribulation of this present time...

He would be a right old grump if he had lived this long!

©AllysoAlly2021

Mother…

“And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.”
–The Beatles

In split seconds,
time
moves,
and grief changes
into memories…
paper dreams
fade
and shed
into black and white keepsakes…

it feels
like just
yesterday
I touched you…

Sadly I lost my Mum when I was 26…