“Start again”…I heard them say!

“The birds they sang
at the break of day.
Start again!!
I heard them say”
― Leonard Cohen

I wanted
so badly
to give up…
let the tires down,
deflate the boat
and allow the little bit
of happiness
that remained in
my small heart
be kept forever
by a tutelage
an angelic host…

His memory tattooed like a scar…
All I wanted was
to be scrunched into
a tiny ball
to prevent myself
from feeling
this dreadful hollowness inside…
This relentless emptiness
that refused
to let me be… They don’t know, do they,
the terrible truth
about grief,
how it changes the heart
into
something awfully squishy,
vulnerable
defenseless
full of pain,
resembling
a bloody mass of bravery
and fear…

But then you sang to me from the window,
you beckoned me
to see the sunrise,
and I watched the trees bend down
and touch the ground,
their heavy branches
surrendering to the gale force of love,
in homage
to my brokenness…

And you wouldn’t give up,
because
when I walked away,
you “wolf-whistled”,
just to see me crack a smile…
Your dark exposure against the early morning light,
surprising me with your persistence,
reminding me that
I’m still
part of the mystery
of things…
deeply burrowed in belonging♡

…of becoming one
with sacred realms
where he still lives…

And the wind blew
my particles up,
rearranging the hemispheres of my brain,
that I might not miss his distinct personality
in present time…

And when I go back to sleep
just now
his fingers will touch
my engorged grief
and I’ll awake
again
in different aspects
of seeing
where
light-filled souls
acknowledge my pain,
and through the veil
that separated him once from me…
like a leaden,
unwanted curtain
shrouded with despair,
I tear my sorrow down
from that window…

shouting
his name aloud
in the half-light
my heart
so weary
in my chest,
the Angels
applaud my nobility.

I will
I promise you
I will find him
in every
aspect of my existence… You can be sure of that
just watch me,
as I stoop down and pick up the pieces of my unwanted life!

©Ally2019