I waited for you.
I sang the hymn that said
“Good, good Father”,
it was excruciating!
Father’s are supposed to shelter
their children from harm.
But I was alone and broken.
He did not protect me
or you from harm!
I watched the joyful flower girls,
I saw the beautiful bride
come down the aisle.
I ran away before the wedding vows,
my silent tears fell
on the unforgiving earth.
I ran to look for you
but you never came.
Your bipolar mood swing had stolen
your joy again.
You couldn’t face this fearsome mob,
this crowd of so called lovers.
Those who keep their love in exclusive jars
only to be given to the upright,
not for the unlovely like us!
After all we don’t deserve happiness,
(perhaps I am wrong,
but that’s what I thought I heard them say).
It’s only for good church people.
It was then that I shut down.
Love was everywhere
but not in my presence,
it could not touch my broken heart.
It was like watching a movie
and seeing what life is supposed to be like,
but from a distance
from behind bullet proof glass!
A joy I can never be part of.
Then the loud music drowned out the voices,
drowned out all feeling.
I have been exiled
to a place where demons taunt me
day and night.
A place where happiness
does not exist.
I’ve lived like a beggar,
a homeless wretch on streets of devastation.
Only the trees can quiet my aching heart now.
When I see God in the meridian splendour
When I know God’s glory in the least among us
When joy is present in the midst of great suffering
Those who have come to the end of themselves
and still have hope
are my mentors.
I need love to sustain me,
the kind that sees beyond this
outer crust of loathing.
A love that dresses me in the finest garments
holds me when I’m dirty
and is a balm to my wounds.
I need a love that doesn’t need
me to be anything
but a being of light.
I promise to dance again with the Angels
and slip into forgetfulness.
Please just tell me that everything is going
to be alright!