“All will come of its own accord in good time and with abundant fullness, so long as one does not attempt to hoard or cling.”
― Cynthia Bourgeault,
It came upon me as though
by some mysterious force.
It held no warning!
My smallness overwhelmed me,
pernicious waters drew me in.
A slipstream engulfed me,
I was unable to control the motion.
The current of my own thinking
overcame me, swallowed me.
I was submerged in white water
I threshed about.
Over the waterfall of self-rejection
I plunged into deep and threatening waters.
I could not breathe.
The suffocation was intolerable,
consciousness was lost,
I knew no escape.
I gasped for air in the darkness
as I sunk lower into despair
I had believed the lies.
They were the undoing of my soul’s serenity.
Wounded by the words,
mesmerized by hubris!
From a distance,
a safe distance,
an out of body distance,
I could see myself lashing about.
My body became silent and almost motionless,
as if a nightmare had stolen
movement and all utterances!
My own thoughts had no meaning,
I had been silenced, paralysed!
Then words of comfort came to me
“Lord have mercy.”
In that moment,
I knew my own helplessness,
I bobbed to the surface,
the fight disintegrated.
I looked towards the glory of the heavens,
I was floating on the stillness,
ceasing the inner battle.
My arms spread out across the tranquil waters,
my head thrown back in acceptance,
enlivening air flowed into my lungs,
deep breaths of submission
The energy shifted from
the battle with my small self
to a field of awareness,
an immeasurable transcendence.
In that very moment I lost control
of the inner state of self-loathing.
My identity with my small self dissolved,
my ego became recognizable.
I had been clinging to lifeless things,
attachments to the false self,
memories of erroneous beliefs about myself.
The words of wounding floated away
the injury dissipated,
the still waters became my comforter,
soothing to my senses
I had escaped near drowning,
but only by His hand!