I grew up in an Autumn shade,
a kind of mesmerizing silence.
I never found the words to say
about my pain, my discontent
I needed your reflection
to see my inner worth.
I held you up as heroes then,
when I was just a child.
I wanted to grow up in accomplishment.
It took me years to distill my silence,
and decades to make friends with my pain.
Ambition never was my desire,
it isn’t now,
and I’m alright with that!
I love the being I have become,
and I’ve glimpsed my inner joy!
At times I’ve touched the outer rim of darkness,
and despair has held me close….
The mistakes I’ve made are plentiful.
but the inner light of my own existence
has penetrated that darkness.
I have looked deep inside,
into the indwelling of my spirit
and gone back to where my life began.
When I stumbled and fell
things got stripped away.
Things I never needed,
things that held my soul to ransom.
I’ve tried to find myself in the deep recesses of my memory,
and to know me and to love me!
I no longer need to see my own reflection in your eyes.
I don’t need your adoration.
(OK, a small part does, but it’s getting less)
The pit has been my dwelling place
for far too long,
my shame my tormentor!
The sewer of my struggles and open wound,
for all to see.
I will rise to greater heights,
higher than even I can imagine.
I will breath in this awakening.
and go beyond the walls of silence
and my voice will be heard!
I’m at a place of reconciliation,
where winds of change can speak.
I love this person awakened by sorrow.
I count it all joy.
My freedom sees the brightest star
and feels the sun’s intensity.
Just think of me in that forest,
where sorrow was forgotten
and even in the silence I could hear the words unsaid.
Think of me as joy and laughter,
Let the therapy of our hearts be silence,
a knowing of something greater that is within us.
And as the days pass till I see you again
let family ties remain.
Let blood be always thicker that water!
I’ve learnt to accept my powerlessness in rooms where dreams die
and even though their memory has faded into obscurity now,
I’ve opened myself to stillness.
I’ve captured sacred moments,
they’ve changed my insignificance,
and helped me rise again.
Right now I can hear the ocean as it explodes into my senses
and longing is soothed.
The birds have come to join me!
Despair may darken my door again
and sorrow may take up residence,
but the beauty that surrounds me and within me,
will guide me back
and sustain each moment!
I will continue to imbibe the majesty of the moment
and live in the now.
The future won’t appear so dark,
except in my imagination.
My captive thoughts will hold the silence
and regret will not be calling.
The past will be a place of dreams
and shame will lose its authority!
I will learn to dance with surrender!