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Finding myself

ally at 10

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”

― Lao Tzu

I lost myself somewhere along the road less travelled and let people tell me who I am.

I was never an ambitious person, I shouldn’t be ashamed of that. The simpler things in life made me happy. As a child I loved nature and had a gaggle of ducks and bantams. I’ve always loved dogs and other animals. I was an imaginative dancer believing in magic.

I remember feeling the pressure to do well at school from a very early age but I was a true day dreamer. My favourite book was Alice in Wonderland. My siblings did very well and this added to my insecurity. I never aspired to be a professional person even though it was a prerequisite to being loved and admired. I suppose I pretended not to care what they all thought or perhaps I was desperate for that kind of love.

I wasn’t really very good at anything and that was shoved in my face many times. “Why can’t you be like…..?”

My Mother, a gentle woman sent me to sewing lessons because my sister was so good at sewing, but I never liked sewing. Even though I do art my sister is still better at it than I am.

Someone said to me on my 50th birthday that it must be hard to live in the shadow of my brilliant sister. Yes, just punch me in the stomach…..why don’t you!!

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
― Lao Tzu

All through my life people have admired my sister for her looks, talent and intelligence, while I stood in the background a little dull girl. I can only remember being admired once or maybe twice. I have never blamed my sister for all the adoration, I have always thought and still think she is truly spectacular.

Growing up in a family of achievers was very hard because I was not celebrated for being my authentic self. However I do believe God places us in families and He is in control of all things and I am eternally grateful for my Family. I probably wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for them.

It has taken me many years to realise who I am and celebrate myself. Yes it seems strange to want to celebrate yourself. My journey has also been marred by fundamentalist Christian belief. I lost my identity because someone told me that it should be in Christ. To this day no one has explained what my identity in Christ means in a way that I understand. Please don’t anyone try now because I’m not listening anymore!

It felt like I was not allowed to explore the dimensions of time and space and whether fairies or dragons actually exist.  I’ve been looked at strangely when I say “the Universe” and dare I ever say my Higher Power. Out there is a supernatural being who created me to be unique, so let me celebrate His creation.

I’ve read the bible and I’ve lived through the Psalms and I know that Jesus walked on this planet and He wore our flesh. I get that He is the one God among many who knows what it’s like to be human, and He fully understands the human condition. He died so that I may live. He’s been a part of my life for so long now that I can’t imagine a single day without Him.

The God as I understand Him has not given me everything that I want and He has not fixed all my problems, even though I’ve cried out to Him many times. I have often wondered where He is?

Yet He has appeared to me in the rooms of Narannon, in the testimony of an addict. He has showed me that it’s His loving kindness that leads us to repentance in a group of gay strugglers.

I have understood worship while being among the homeless and forgotten.

I’ve known His forgiveness while in the depth of my own brokenness and despair.

Please let me be who God made me to be, most beloved by Him, His treasured possession.

I want to walk in the forest and hug trees and smell the fragrance and delight in what the wind is telling me. I want to gaze at the stars for as long as possible and still question their meaning. I would like to dance in the moonlight and swim in the ocean and watch movies about werewolves and witches.

A simple life is what I seek, not to have too many things to weigh me down. I want to read the philosophies of Buddha and Lao Tzu and interpret my dreams. I want to read poetry and listen to Rock music really loud!

I would like to study the teachings Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud even if I get it all wrong. I want to risk living, without hurting anyone. I love knowing what makes people tick and the games they play. I don’t like judging those who have done wrong because then I would have to judge myself.

I believe that love covers a multitude of sins and perfect love casts out fear. I believe Love never fails because God is love. I continuously pray that I will not act morally superior to others and that bitterness would not darken my door, even though it does at times.

I hate racism in all it’s forms and I would like to help those who have been oppressed to feel equal and valued for who they are. I don’t like seeing people go hungry or the innocent suffer. I can see suffering in peoples eyes and it deeply affects me. I’m all for world peace and end to the violence that resides in some. I no longer believe in total depravity being a corporate thing, I don’t think I ever did. I believe there is good of people no matter how naive that sounds but I am very cautious of those who have been badly wounded and been changed by hurt. Yes evil does reside in the world, but not always in the form we expect. I believe God is merciful.  I love every bit of his glorious creation and my family. I believe in annihilationism because I don’t believe God would cause eternal suffering.

I would love to meet the Dali Lama and just sit with him for a while and imbibe his wisdom. There are heroes in this world who speak truth.

My hope is that one day all wrongs will be made right and this planet will return to the glorious creation that God intended it to be…The New Earth.

I will try my hardest not to stop having fun. I want to dance when nobody is watching and ride roller coasters and dress up in funny clothes.

I will continue to stand up for injustice and speak out against prejudice.


I am an unknown introvert who desires to touch the world with a little bit of magic...

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